30 Reasons you know you have worked down Hardware Lane, Melbourne CBD

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1. Everyone smokes; no-one has a lighter. You end up using the candles on the tables around you then quickly vanishing off to the smoker’s area opposite Golden Monkey.

 

2. You get that feeling of ‘calm before the storm’ on a Friday and Saturday evening just before the night kicks in. Waiters are setting up, the Hosts are gearing themselves up, the atmosphere of customers is rather gentle and chilled out all before you know hundreds of people are going to be entering the lane shortly potentially sitting at your restaurant

 

3. The only time you see the Hosts keep quiet and stand still is when the council are about. The council walk down the lane in a way like Moses separated water, inspecting the most ridiculous and pointless things. Whether its tables being out of position and ‘dangerous’, or the hosts been too active, you know when they are on the prowl.

 

4. You’ve drank shots at Charlies bar after work. Enough said.

 

5. You’ve partied with other people from other restaurants and either went to Workshop, Cookie or Longroom. Hospitality is the best social and drinking culture of any profession, with a lane like this, it’s impossible not to get caught up in it.

 

6. You know a lot of French people. Most of the restaurants has one French employee there. You tend to discover a few words and generally see most of them sticking together whether its for a cigarette, a coffee or a quick chat.

 

7. Everyone greets each other with a European kiss on each cheek. It’s not Australian, it’s not British, its more Italian and Mediterranean that does this. It’s infectious and everyone seems to do it.

 

8. You hear the line ‘Charlies Angels’ been shouted to any 3 female’s that walk past.

 

9. There’s at least two people either hooking up or in a relationship. Whether its you or someone you work with, someone is either in love or involved with someone. Its a small place the Laneway, it wouldn’t be normal if it didn’t happen.

 

10. The Mill employs the good looking girls. It’s pretty obvious, and its pretty tempting too.

 

11. You instantly worry when the weather begins to get windy, as everything from signs to boards to napkins fly everywhere and you try and use all limbs possible to prevent this.

 

12. Its always a customer’s birthday and its normally at Grill Seafood Steakhouse as all you hear is the people joining in on the song.

 

13. You know when the buskers have finished as everyone randomly starts clapping, sometimes off cue.

 

14. When you have a fellow Hardware Laner employee order something at POP Restaurant only to find out the menu’s been changed, again.

 

15. You always know someone is late as you see them rushing with a disgruntled face and everyone is just watching them come to work.

 

16. The Mill and POP have pretty much different hosts every week

 

17. At the end of  weekend night, a lot of workers gather around Grill Seafood Steakhouse for chats, drinks and food talking about how busy it was, or wasn’t.

 

18. You wonder where all the customers are at 7pm and you look at Max’s and realise they’ve all been hijacked to go there.

 

19. That human line of bin disposals the staffs at the Mill creates at the end of the night. It looks like a mammoth effort which they all look like they’re enjoying. Ermm..

 

20. When its 11pm and you realise why Amigo’s is still empty and for goodness sake still open.

 

21. When you’re wondering what’s going on at Five Boroughs above POP.

 

22. I guess this is any hospitality job, but something smashes on the floor be it a glass or a plate and EVERYONE looks at you with some background cheering.

 

23. When all you talk about with customers is where you are from.

 

24. You really think Von’s restaurant is THAT big when you look in from the outside, only to realise later on that its a gigantic mirror for effect, reflecting and misleading its actual size.

 

25. You wonder how Nostro Postro actually cope with how small the venue is. In fact, you kind forget its actually there most the time.

 

26. You see from time to time hosts arguing with each other over ‘who crossed the line’ and who took who from each other’s territory.

 

27. The light drift of cigarette smoke (and other funny smells) coming from the flats above you, knowing someone’s having a party and you are below working

 

28. At least one woman is on her hens night wandering down the lane, and she’s either ecstatic at having cheap cocktails or wasted because she’s had too many of them.

 

29. Even though the food is good, most the chefs you see are either depressed crazy or just completely f*****.

 

30. Toby Zappia been the Laneway entertainer with no-one help but laughing. Whether its dancing to the buskers, rapping to customers, shouting ‘she’s nowhere’ or just telling a story, everyone knows him.

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