Today would have been my Dad’s Birthday. 3 and a bit years ago he passed away. I wonder what our relationship would be like today. I wonder what he would have been doing, right now as I write this.
Since he left us, his legacy is with me and my brother. I still feel he is somewhere in my surroundings, spiritually or mentally.
We had a very competitive relationship growing up in my teen years, something which I think we both regret. But as I got older, we got on. And thats the hardest part, not being able to fulfil that potential of what could of been, and how much we had in common.
It’s funny because we were planning going to travel Europe via Eurrail together at one point. Dad didn’t like to fly, and 3 years ago, I didn’t either.
He had a tough life I think. I think his main goal was to be free.
His later years he took up Buddhism for a more peaceful lifestyle. It could have even been 10 years. He wasn’t your dyed haired wannabe who wanted to be different, he actually practised. Went on retreats, monasteries, meditated and read silly amounts of Buddhism books. The real deal.
How much I would have loved to be there, to show him the realms of Buddhism throughout Asia.
It’s funny because when they were together, I never really appreciated a Mam and Dad being together, you know, a ‘normal’ family. I didn’t want to be seen as normal, I wanted to be seen as tough and wise, a catch. It’s funny of how much I would give to have a family of 4 again, insane amount of things I would do for that. Unfortunately its never going to happen.
I wonder how he’d think of what my travels have came to. How my life changed drastically at home in the split of an eye. Would he have been curious? I have my thoughts…
How he loved movies, and how I discovered a inner passion for acting and writing. I wonder if he’d laugh at that..
Sometimes I’d see him, and look at him as the same age as me, you know, what would of he been like. I think I would have been protective of him, strange to think that.
I remember 4 years to the day, how he was in Paris for his birthday. He tried to send me a picture of where he was at. My phone couldn’t receive it. Only after his death I retrieved his phone, and managed to find the image he tried to send me. An epic picture from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Just before he got drastically unwell and died, he said to my mother, how he just wanted peace. He had moved into a quirky part of our hometown, with a peaceful park as his garden. He was 49. He party days were gone. He wanted the simple life. I guess he found that.
As a traveller I know am, a proud and content singleton at heart, it’s times you can reflect and think of family. I got to say I do miss that sort of closure. But my mind is on automatic overdrive to pursue my life deeper and deeper, no limits, not wanting to stop.
One of the most things I find closure in now, is visiting a monastery, a temple that is of the Buddhist nature, and just having complete peace. Sat there with your thoughts, forgetting what’s outside, who’s on your phone or what you have to do. It’s a in the moment form of freedom. It doesn’t matter where I am, today I think of Dad